How to Nurture Your Child’s Self-Esteem

We often think self-esteem is built through grand gestures, but it is actually built in the micro-moments of daily conversation. The words we choose become the inner voice our children hear for the rest of their lives.

If you want to raise a confident, resilient child, the shift starts with your vocabulary. Here are 5 key areas of self-esteem and the “scripts” you can use to nurture them.

1. When They Fail (Building Resilience)

The Goal: Teach them to set realistic goals and handle setbacks.

• ❌ Don’t Say: “It’s okay, you’re still the best.” (False praise)

• ❌ Don’t Say: “I told you that was too hard.” (Discouraging)

• ✅ Try This: “I can see you are disappointed. It’s okay to feel that way. What is one thing you learned from this that you can try differently next time?”

2. When They Are Self-Critical (Positive Self-Talk)

The Goal: Foster a kinder inner critic.

• ❌ Don’t Say: “Don’t be so negative!”

• ✅ Try This: “I hear you saying you aren’t good at math. Yet. Remember when you couldn’t ride a bike? You learned that, and you can learn this.”

3. When They Are “Too Little” (Encouraging Independence)

The Goal: Building a sense of competence.

• ❌ Don’t Say: “Here, let me just do it, we are in a rush.”

• ✅ Try This: “This looks like a tricky button. Do you want to try it one more time yourself, or would you like me to show you a trick to make it easier?”

4. When Looking in the Mirror (Body Image)

The Goal: Promoting appreciation for the body’s function over form.

• ❌ Don’t Say: “I need to lose weight, I look awful in these jeans.”

• ✅ Try This: “I’m going to eat this salad because it gives me energy to play tag with you,” or “I love my arms because they are strong enough to give you giant bear hugs.”

5. When They Achieve Something (Celebrating Wins)

The Goal: validating their effort.

• ❌ Don’t Say: “See? It was easy!”

• ✅ Try This: “You worked so hard on that project. You must be so proud of yourself. Tell me about your favorite part of doing it.”

Summary

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise a confident child. You just need to be a “good enough” parent who uses words to build bridges, not walls.